I want us

“I think this is something, but not what you want it to be right now,” Goodbuttguy told me drunkenly after he brought up the conversation I started the night before. The previous night, after he made me dinner and we talked for hours in front of a wood fire heater, I had questioned what we are doing, if this was a date. At the time he said that we were “just hanging out” but on Saturday night he started to tell me the truth.

When Goodbuttguy ended things last year he didn’t go about it the right way. Instead of telling me he didn’t want to become attached before he left for a year-long trip overseas he simply stopped contacting me. We still worked together at least three times a week so it made for some uncomfortable shifts to say the least. On Saturday night he admitted he didn’t end things in the best way possible and also explained that he doesn’t want to lead me on. He doesn’t want commitment right now and either do I as I leave for my own overseas trip in five months. But I can’t stop myself falling from him.

I am crazy about this guy. I want to tell him everything that happens in my day, I want to listen to his ridiculous philosophical musings for hours on end. I hope that he thinks that I am intelligent, beautiful and someone he wants to be around. I want his arms around me but remembering how awful I felt when things ended last time it feels simpler to push them off.

He would run his hand over my waist before I pushed him away, upsetting him, and then I would pull his hand back. This happened multiple times throughout the night. I suppose I was in two minds about sleeping together, I was thinking that it wasn’t right for us, that we don’t do that anymore and that it would make everything more complicated. When he suggested I come inside I told him “I should go home.”
He cleverly replied, “You should, but do you want to?”
He knows me too well. I wanted to sleep with him, I just felt like I shouldn’t. I don’t want to get hurt and I’m not sure if I want to get attached. But desire overruled commonsense and his hands were all over me until I left in the early hours of the morning.

I still feel as if I’m walking on eggshells in this relationship. He has cooked for me, sent sweet flirtatious messages and played me his music (after much persuasion). However he has barely mentioned having feelings for me. I feel like if I say too much, if I text too often or if I care too much he will freak out and call things off like he did last time.

All I can hope is that he is secretly as crazy about me as I am about him and that he doesn’t scare himself out of the possibility of us.

Break-up playlist

Since I’ve (sort of) had a recent break-up I thought it would be fitting to share my break up playlist with you.

“Walk It Off”, Angus and Julia Stone
This is a kind to both parties type break-up song and at times that’s exactly what you need, after all it takes two to tango, right? “There’s nothing left for you, there’s nothing left for me. I will never be what you want to see now.” The sweet tune and honest voices will have you playing this on repeat for days

“U and Ur Hand”, P!nk
Because who doesn’t want to say “keep your drink, just give me the money” at least once. P!nks sass is comparable to no one else’s… Except maybe Beyoncé’s.

“Best Thing I Never Had”, Beyoncé
A break up list wouldn’t be complete without some Queen B. The message in this song is fantastic and even better if it fits with your ‘we were never really a couple’ break up. “You showed your ass and I, I saw the real you. Thank god you blew it. I thank god I dodged a bullet. I’m so over you so baby good lookin’ out.” This is a song that makes you feel awesome about yourself and not give a fuck about your ex, because  “I bet it sucks to be you right now.”

“Impossible”, Shontelle
Scream at the top of your lungs “You have won you can go ahead, tell them… tell them I was happy and my heart is broken, all my scars are open. Tell them what I hoped would be impossible” This song is admitting you are broken and that your ex won this time and you know what, sometimes that is okay!
James Arthur’s cover of this song is also fantastic.

“Problem”, Arianna Grande
This is a good song when you haven’t quite left that problematic guy, but in my opinion it feels even better to sing along to once you’ve finally said goodbye. Sometimes you know your man isn’t changing but it’s hard to cut ties: “I know your never gonna wake up, I gotta give up.” But you know what needs to happen: “I should be wiser and realise that I’ve got. One less problem without ya!” And once you finally have one less problem shake your sexy booty to this song, seriously; you deserve it, you wise human.

“Don’t”, Ed Sheeran
This is a perfect song for the casual relationship gone wrong, “I wasn’t looking for a promise or commitment, but it was never just fun and I thought you were different.” Even if you haven’t been cheated on “Don’t fuck with my love” is relevant to everyone, and it feels damn good to say.

“We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”, Taylor Swift
If someone knows how to write a song about a break-up it’s Taylor Swift. Sure, the lyrics are pretty simple but they are also pretty perfect if you ask me. This is the anthem of your post break up night out. Almost everyone has someone who they are “never, ever, ever getting back together” with, so everyone can scream the chorus on the dance floor.

I hope you found these songs as therapeutic as I did. Happy break-up recovery!