“I think this is something, but not what you want it to be right now,” Goodbuttguy told me drunkenly after he brought up the conversation I started the night before. The previous night, after he made me dinner and we talked for hours in front of a wood fire heater, I had questioned what we are doing, if this was a date. At the time he said that we were “just hanging out” but on Saturday night he started to tell me the truth.
When Goodbuttguy ended things last year he didn’t go about it the right way. Instead of telling me he didn’t want to become attached before he left for a year-long trip overseas he simply stopped contacting me. We still worked together at least three times a week so it made for some uncomfortable shifts to say the least. On Saturday night he admitted he didn’t end things in the best way possible and also explained that he doesn’t want to lead me on. He doesn’t want commitment right now and either do I as I leave for my own overseas trip in five months. But I can’t stop myself falling from him.
I am crazy about this guy. I want to tell him everything that happens in my day, I want to listen to his ridiculous philosophical musings for hours on end. I hope that he thinks that I am intelligent, beautiful and someone he wants to be around. I want his arms around me but remembering how awful I felt when things ended last time it feels simpler to push them off.
He would run his hand over my waist before I pushed him away, upsetting him, and then I would pull his hand back. This happened multiple times throughout the night. I suppose I was in two minds about sleeping together, I was thinking that it wasn’t right for us, that we don’t do that anymore and that it would make everything more complicated. When he suggested I come inside I told him “I should go home.”
He cleverly replied, “You should, but do you want to?”
He knows me too well. I wanted to sleep with him, I just felt like I shouldn’t. I don’t want to get hurt and I’m not sure if I want to get attached. But desire overruled commonsense and his hands were all over me until I left in the early hours of the morning.
I still feel as if I’m walking on eggshells in this relationship. He has cooked for me, sent sweet flirtatious messages and played me his music (after much persuasion). However he has barely mentioned having feelings for me. I feel like if I say too much, if I text too often or if I care too much he will freak out and call things off like he did last time.
All I can hope is that he is secretly as crazy about me as I am about him and that he doesn’t scare himself out of the possibility of us.