You have such sexy arms, I only wish you didn’t use them to hold me away from you

So I’m back in Melbourne and Redwineguy now lives in this beautiful city too. I know: I’ve skipped a lot guys, a whole lot. Maybe some day I’ll write the details of our incredible ‘visit to Melbourne dates’ but for now we are jumping to the present. It’s two Melbourne-visit dates and two Melbourne-living dates later; he has been living in the world’s most livable city for two weeks. Oh, and I’m totally falling for him.

Okay, maybe I’ll rewind just a touch. He called me two weeks ago to let me know he was driving from QLD to Melb.
“Driving? That’s a long drive.”
“Yeah, well I’ve got all my stuff in the car. I’m moving.”

I called him the next night to welcome him to Melbourne and ask him out for a drink. No answer, I text. We plan to catch up a few days later. Despite my late night suggestions we work with our busy schedules and opt for a brunch date.

“Aeroplane,” I look up and a forkful of avocado and ricotta is in front on me. I laugh before opening my mouth; I eat the mouthful with a smile still on my face. We are in my new favourite café and I could listen to his stories all day. He tells me about the job opportunity that he totally has in the bag (he just needs confirmation Friday). We leave; he pays. We say goodbye and there is no kiss … but he does know that I hate PDA.

I text Sunday night – “Did you get the job??” No reply. This is a huge deal, a big life event, surely if he cared he would want me to know?

Monday morning he replies – finally – he got the job and it’s his first day, he starts a conversation. I tell him we need to celebrate, is he free tonight? He wants exactly what I need. He tells me that calling past mine is high on his list and that I’ve made concentration at work difficult. Good: it should be.

Monday night was great. Have I mentioned what an incredible body Redwineguy has?
We fluff around in my kitchen for a bit, I get some snacks and well-deserved wine and he shows me houses he’s been looking at, before heading to my bedroom to finally get what we needed. He takes my underwear off with my tights: he isn’t wasting time. I can’t help but wonder if he has slept with anyone else in the seven weeks since we last did … I mean, surely. But then again…
Is he desperate for sex or desperate for sex with me?
I forget it. I grab at his back, his shoulders, his upper arms.
I want him to stay – the girl that kicks men out wants him to stay – I tell him he should, placing his hand on my breast, “just stay right here”.

I message Tuesday morning – extremely flirty. He writes back wishing me luck with the play I’m currently writing. I don’t hear from him again until Thursday night. I can hardly call what follows ‘messaging back and forth’; he takes seven hours to reply to one of my texts. I reply late, after I finish work. He doesn’t reply at all.

At first I gave him the benefit of the doubt – he is busy, he is stressed. He is both of these things, but a simple text doesn’t take a lot. Maybe I let people in too easily, too quickly. But isn’t life too unpredictable not to? A text and a weekend date would be really great but it’s clear that he is being cautious. He is holding me at arms length.

Holding me at arms length… Does he know that you can’t push someone away with straight arms? To really hurt someone you need them close, your hands right on their chest, their heart pumping as you push. Right now he has me in the perfect position: at any moment he could turn around and let go or pull me in and hold me, and either way he wouldn’t seem like a bad person. No one would be too hurt; nothing would change. The closer he draws me in the more the end will hurt, for both of us. He knows this. He is clever.

I hope he texts – I want my weekend date: rooftop cocktails and amazing sex, I want his breathtaking arms wrapped around me and not by his side while my name lights up his phone.
But I can’t do anything to make him ready.

 

 

In lust with a traveller

“I’m just going to have a pathetic girl moment,” I tell a new friend at the apartment we are staying at in Dublin, “I really want a guy to message me.”
The guy I wanted to message is someone that I spent two days with three months ago and have been attempting to blog about ever since.

Long explanations in my previous attempts haven’t worked, so let me be brief.

Redwineuy.
Engineer. 27. Australian. Incredibly friendly; has travelled the world; loves his family. May possibly be as captivated by me as I am of him. Oh, and he spilt an entire bottle of red wine on our unofficial first date. 

Redwineguy and I
1.
Dubrovnik, Croatia. Group dinner followed by drinks. We got to know each other; discovered that we would be living a couple of hours away in the UK.

2.
Island date. Spent the day swimming in secluded areas of crystal clear water, picnicing and walking the directionless paths. When we were tanned and exhausted we caught the ferry back to the mainland.

“Do you want to go for a walk?”

Sat on the edge of the mountaintop to watch the end of the sunset and the city light up.

He looks across at me, “We should probably get going.”
I look straight ahead, “I don’t want to leave.”

3.
Classy restaurant. He spilt wine. I ate the most incredible pasta of my life (penne with a mushroom and black truffle sauce). He paid.

“I still owe you for dinner.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he placed his hand on my waist and gave me a cheek / air kiss goodnight.

4.
Crepes for breakfast because he already knows I love them. I invited other travellers along and ruin a possible date. Spending time with him is just as incredible when others are around.

5.
Café. I wrote in my travel journal while he read. We looked like a couple.

6.
Said goodbye, he repeated his cheek kiss action, “I’ll see you in London,” he says as he steps back.

7.
A few days before I arrived in London I messaged him:
‘Hey hey,
Are you in London on Wednesday? We should grab breakie if you are around!
I hope life is going wonderfully.’

He responded explaining that he had flown home after he received news that his mother had been diagnosed with advanced cancer. In the same message he said it was a shame he wasn’t in London as he was really looking forward to seeing me again. He offered London friend’s contact details incase I need help during my trip.

8.
Various messages. Exchanging stories, inside jokes and photos of beaches and chocolate. Neither of us knows when we will be in the same country again. Last I heard his mother was doing better than expected.

After telling my new friend an even briefer explanation of our relationship I told her that we haven’t spoken in nearly a month and that I want to talk to him again. I hope everything is okay with him and his family and I don’t want to message and impose. However as my return date creeps closer and closer I can’t help wonder if he was right in saying he would see me in the future. Would it be crazy to fly to Brisbane? Or should I wait until our paths naturally collide? I think this could be something but we never had the chance to see what.

I’m focusing on my incredible adventures while he spends necessary time with his family, but I certainly hope that I see him again somewhere in this wonderful world.

Relationships are not clean cut (apparently)

I thought that while travelling Goodbuttguy wouldn’t make into my thoughts yet alone a blog post. But every so often I play the last time we caught up over in my head so I have finally given in and written about it.

The last time I saw Goodbuttguy we caught up for dinner to say our goodbyes. One of our colleagues had recently gone through a break-up and we spent a little while discussing her break-up and break-ups in general. The girl’s break-up was very sudden; she thought everything was fine and one day her boyfriend said that he couldn’t do it anymore. Friday they were together and Monday they were not. I was telling Goodbuttguy that it didn’t seem fair, that surely you would bring up the issues in a relationship and not just turn around one day and tell your girlfriend it’s not working.
Goodbuttguy said that maybe he tried, that it wasn’t that simple and that he thinks her boyfriend actually handled it really well, better than he would have (well that’s great to remember for the future).
I argued back… “It’s not that difficult to bring issues up. Imagine how much harder it would be to think everything is fine and have your partner turn around one day and say that they don’t want to be in a relationship anymore. Just like that!?”
He looked at me like I didn’t understand the workings of a romantic relationship. He paused hesitantly before replying … “I’m not saying this because it’s you..” he began.
What does that mean? I thought. Because it’s me; a girl you slept with? Because it’s me; a girl you know hasn’t had a serious relationship? Because it’s me and I’m going to fight back at whatever you say next?
“Relationships don’t just work like they do in movies, you know, it’s not like a fairytale … Relationships are not clear cut”
“I know that, I’m not stupid,” I replied. Although Goodbuttguy jokes that I am a Disney princess I don’t actually think the world works like a Disney movie (if it did he would have been telling me he loved me and not that relationships are fucking messy). Almost nothing in the whole world is black and white so why on earth would I think human relationships can ever be ‘clear cut’. He really does think I’m an idiot.

But despite telling him I agree inside I kind of wanted to scream ‘What the fuck is that supposed to mean dude? That relationships are too complex to agree to participate in a monogamous one? That you just can’t explain the mess of emotions in your head? That you might be interested in me but there is SO MUCH in the way? Or that you aren’t interested at all but I’m a pretty little princess and telling me you are not interested would be too difficult?’

I wanted more from him that night, maybe in many ways, but I didn’t get it. Over tea later that night (because we seem to appreciate each other’s company too much to ever leave it at just dinner) he repeated his statement word for word. I think this time he was discussing a girl I refer to as his “French girlfriend”, a French girl he met travelling who flew over to see him (coincidentally) the day after I left the country. The context didn’t matter, all that I could focus on was that statement he believed in like a religion.

Relationships. Are. Not. Clean. Cut.
I still play the line over and over.

That night I dropped him home and gave him his birthday present that I said he couldn’t open until his birthday (which is now only a few days away). He said he would invite me in but the place is a mess, a bullshit excuse, ‘you just don’t want to have sex’, I thought, but I didn’t care about that. However I couldn’t go straight home after our non-date goodbye, instead driving in hopeless circles repeating the night over in my head, that one line in particular. I couldn’t help but think that if relationships aren’t clean cut then why are my feelings for him like a finely cut piece of metal that I can’t stop holding onto? Clear-cut, sharp and impossible to ignore. I still feel my half of our relationship, unfortunately even from halfway across the globe.

Twice bitten and still not shy

“Be careful.” “He has hurt you before.” My friends passed on their judgment and advice as I told them that I was seeing Goodbuttguy again. Everything was going well, incredibly actually, so I was more cautious of my friends than I was of him.

But after an almost perfect stay-the-night-date on Monday he started to repeat the past. I left his place Tuesday morning and he didn’t even get out of bed to say goodbye. I was expecting some kind of apology that day but I gave up after four o’clock and sent a text myself.
‘Are you still in bed??’
I get a response an hour later, “Nope. Reading your book” I had lent him a book that I liked and he sat around reading it the whole day. Surely that was a good sign but he didn’t seem to want to chat …
I respond, ‘I’m impressed. When did you end up getting up?’
‘Twelve-thirty, I needed a sleep in’
‘That’s crazy! Haha, I noticed.’
And that’s it.

We worked together Wednesday and everything seemed normal but we obviously have a very different relationship outside of work.

Thursday morning I send a dirty text and he didn’t reply. Super weird. I text later that morning explaining I was just delirious in the morning (how funny, lets just laugh this off as you are clearly not into it and I have to see you at work tonight). He responded ‘Haha fair enough’.
Again work was normal but that doesn’t mean a thing.

I messaged him again Friday night (I seem to be doing all the messaging now) asking if he was going out as, for once in a blue moon, I had decided to. He replied saying he wasn’t sure and asking what I was up to. Later in the night he told me he was at a bar with friends. When I text him asking if he was coming to the bar/club I was at he replied, ‘Maybe I’ll pass tonight’. He briefly responded to my reply and then stopped all together. Let me remind you all that two weeks before this he had drunk called me and invited me over. That to him, was so fine. However when I text and ask him to come out, somehow it’s not okay – this infuriates me.

I haven’t heard from him since Friday night and I’m officially over being the girl who hopes every text I get is from him. And even more over being the girl who does all the contacting. I’ll see him again Sunday, we will be just colleagues all over again and I’ll play pretend that the lack of contact doesn’t bother me. I’m chill and this is so casual, right? I can pretend I’m on the same page as you.

Reading this story, I’m sure it looks like Goodbuttguy has just lost interest but I honestly believe that there is more to it. This guy is terrified of commitment and equally scared of feelings. As soon as he feels any sense of attachment to a woman or realises a woman is attached to him he turns away. He is afraid that he will get hurt or maybe that he will hurt me. I on the other hand, am not at all afraid. I think that’s our biggest difference and our most difficult obstacle.

I want us

“I think this is something, but not what you want it to be right now,” Goodbuttguy told me drunkenly after he brought up the conversation I started the night before. The previous night, after he made me dinner and we talked for hours in front of a wood fire heater, I had questioned what we are doing, if this was a date. At the time he said that we were “just hanging out” but on Saturday night he started to tell me the truth.

When Goodbuttguy ended things last year he didn’t go about it the right way. Instead of telling me he didn’t want to become attached before he left for a year-long trip overseas he simply stopped contacting me. We still worked together at least three times a week so it made for some uncomfortable shifts to say the least. On Saturday night he admitted he didn’t end things in the best way possible and also explained that he doesn’t want to lead me on. He doesn’t want commitment right now and either do I as I leave for my own overseas trip in five months. But I can’t stop myself falling from him.

I am crazy about this guy. I want to tell him everything that happens in my day, I want to listen to his ridiculous philosophical musings for hours on end. I hope that he thinks that I am intelligent, beautiful and someone he wants to be around. I want his arms around me but remembering how awful I felt when things ended last time it feels simpler to push them off.

He would run his hand over my waist before I pushed him away, upsetting him, and then I would pull his hand back. This happened multiple times throughout the night. I suppose I was in two minds about sleeping together, I was thinking that it wasn’t right for us, that we don’t do that anymore and that it would make everything more complicated. When he suggested I come inside I told him “I should go home.”
He cleverly replied, “You should, but do you want to?”
He knows me too well. I wanted to sleep with him, I just felt like I shouldn’t. I don’t want to get hurt and I’m not sure if I want to get attached. But desire overruled commonsense and his hands were all over me until I left in the early hours of the morning.

I still feel as if I’m walking on eggshells in this relationship. He has cooked for me, sent sweet flirtatious messages and played me his music (after much persuasion). However he has barely mentioned having feelings for me. I feel like if I say too much, if I text too often or if I care too much he will freak out and call things off like he did last time.

All I can hope is that he is secretly as crazy about me as I am about him and that he doesn’t scare himself out of the possibility of us.

Friends with an ex

“Here we go again, I kinda wanna be more than friends…”
–Animal by Neon Trees

 I pull into my driveway at 10:20 pm and read a text from my trusted wingwoman and bestie, let’s call her Goodvibegirl.

‘DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT FLIRTING OR KISSING OR ANY FORM OF RELATIONS OUTSIDE THE FRIENDZONE. ‘

Goodbuttguy has been back in the country for about a month and apart from a slightly awkward hour of working together we hadn’t spoken. In an attempt to make work less uncomfortable and see if we could stay friends I initiated a catch up.

Mexican food for dinner followed by coffee at a cafe, endless conversation (about his travels and my time home) and lots of laughing. The night went well.

But while looking across the table at the more carefree and still charming man in front of me I couldn’t help but ask myself ‘would I go there again?’ Considering I am about to flee the country myself and I have no idea how he feels about me I know that I should not be considering this possibility, but god his smile gets to me.

Later that night I messaged to thank him for dinner (he paid, reminding me that I paid last time: a year and a half ago), telling him I had a great night. He said he had fun too and I replied hoping he would message back, he didn’t.

Over the next couple of days I think that wanting a text message from him means that secretly maybe, just maybe, I want at least a little more than friendship. And then, standing in the baby section in Myer shopping for a gift for a close friend’s baby shower, his name pops up on my phone. I am happy and relieved; now I don’t have to think of some lame excuse to text him. He asks if I have decided what to buy my friend for her baby shower… is he psychic? I reply and keep the convo going as long as I can (two days to be precise).

After asking how his songwriting is going I request to hear his originals for a birthday present. While we were dating he held his music behind lock and key and refused to play originals to me…. but now? He says yes, ‘anytime’. He tells me I should come around for dinner and to listen to him play sometime. I wonder to myself if the addition of dinner is romantic or just convenient. Maybe he is just lonely with a place to himself? What if he offers wine, would that be a sign to stay the night? Do I reply telling him when I’m free or wait until he asks? I tell him that sounds lovely and leave it at that. That was on Saturday and his name hasn’t popped up since.

I am happy we are talking, I really am. Also I’m not nearly as crazy about him as I used to be so I can more than handle being just friends, which honestly I think is the best decision for us both right now. I may occasionally glance at my phone hoping to see his name but mostly I just enjoy his stories and our now platonic relationship. I have no plans to step out of the friendzone, I promise you Goodvibegirl!

The Spark

I’m not going to bore you with every detail of the story. Basically I met a guy, we went on a date and got along, he is friendly, genuine, intelligent and attractive. He texted; ten minutes after the date, an hour after the date, the next day and the day after. Odd, but the date was great so I see him again. We went on date two and it was average, nice, but certainly no fireworks. He texts immediately, I text three days later.
And now date three.

He listens intently to my story and seems interested. Why is he so interested? Should he really care? I don’t think I care…. He is just a friend, but why? We have quality conversations and debates. He has good morals. He travels, he can sing, he knows the words to Taylor Swift. He has ambition. Usually I would be swooning over a guy like this. What’s wrong?
I look at him across the table, questioning what it is, trying to pin point the problem.
Nope, nothing.

This doesn’t usually happen to me. If I find a guy attractive and we get along well I usually want more than friendship. But with Texterguy it just isn’t happening.

He pays for dinner. We walk to the theatre and enjoy the show.

Have I lost my sex drive? Am I blocking the idea of a relationship out of my mind because I’m going overseas? Am I looking for a man that doesn’t exist?

The show is over and we discuss the performance as we walk to the train station. We say goodbye at the station, he doesn’t make a move so I hug him and kiss him on the cheek three times in quick succession… take a hint?
Nothing.

Train home. I receive a text (surprise surprise)
‘…awesome… Dinner was lovely too. I’d love to do it again some time’ etc.
I’m not sure if I’d love to.
‘Glad you enjoyed the theatre. Thanks for dinner. 🙂 Travel safe! xo’

I have heard people say (okay movies, I have heard movies say) that ‘the spark’ is a myth, that it’s something someone made up so they didn’t have to call. I strongly disagree. The spark exists and sometimes I feel it. On the first date, on the second, gosh, SURELY by the third. It is this need to talk to the incredible person you are lucky enough to be spending time with. This sexual tension between the two of you when you are talking across a table, the hesitation and nervousness over kissing them. Them, that person with that beautiful face; how does someone have such a beautiful face? It’s butterflies, it’s lighting up when their name pops up on your phone. It’s hoping you aren’t the only one who feels it. It’s telling all your friends, it’s feeling bad for relating everything back to them, or not feeling bad at all. The spark is fantastic. But with Texterguy I just don’t feel it.

I’m not sure how I’m going to tell him. After three dates I feel like I have to at least text him. I might end things with Texterguy via text, how ironic.

Completely honest things you should know if you date me

I won’t make out with you during a movie
I love movies, probably more than I currently like you, I will watch the movie. Especially if I chose the film or if I have not seen the film. We can have sex after but I’m not missing the end of a good drama or thriller for you. If you don’t actually want to watch a movie either don’t press play or choose a shit movie. Be warned if you choose a shit movie I will judge your taste in films and may not continue dating you.

You need to give oral sex
I love giving AND receiving oral. If I’m not receiving I really don’t know how long I will last in our relationship.

I am going to travel
Sometimes I might like you to come, I’d love to see new places with you. If you don’t feel the desire to explore the world there is a very, very small chance that I will be okay with this. However you must accept the fact that I will always want to travel and that I will go whether you want to come or not.

I am a vegetarian
I don’t care if you eat meat, I’m not going to judge you for it or try to change your views. Please allow me the same courtesy.

I am honest
If you ask for my opinion I will give it. If you want sugar coated answers you are asking the wrong person.

I’m not sure where I am going with my life
My career plans are not set in stone, I don’t know how long I will be studying for, I don’t know where I want to settle down. Don’t expect me to have all the answers, I don’t have them now and I don’t know when I will. If you have your life planned out it is probably going to freak me out and maybe make me feel inadequate. I will be happiest if we are both still searching.

I won’t text you every second of every day
I just can’t, I won’t. I have a busy life; I study, and I work. Sometimes I will be reading, or writing, baking or eating, I will read your text and put my phone back down. Don’t get upset by this, it doesn’t mean I’m not interested. I don’t know if we will ever reach a point that I will be in contact with you constantly, I hope you are okay with this.

Break-up playlist

Since I’ve (sort of) had a recent break-up I thought it would be fitting to share my break up playlist with you.

“Walk It Off”, Angus and Julia Stone
This is a kind to both parties type break-up song and at times that’s exactly what you need, after all it takes two to tango, right? “There’s nothing left for you, there’s nothing left for me. I will never be what you want to see now.” The sweet tune and honest voices will have you playing this on repeat for days

“U and Ur Hand”, P!nk
Because who doesn’t want to say “keep your drink, just give me the money” at least once. P!nks sass is comparable to no one else’s… Except maybe Beyoncé’s.

“Best Thing I Never Had”, Beyoncé
A break up list wouldn’t be complete without some Queen B. The message in this song is fantastic and even better if it fits with your ‘we were never really a couple’ break up. “You showed your ass and I, I saw the real you. Thank god you blew it. I thank god I dodged a bullet. I’m so over you so baby good lookin’ out.” This is a song that makes you feel awesome about yourself and not give a fuck about your ex, because  “I bet it sucks to be you right now.”

“Impossible”, Shontelle
Scream at the top of your lungs “You have won you can go ahead, tell them… tell them I was happy and my heart is broken, all my scars are open. Tell them what I hoped would be impossible” This song is admitting you are broken and that your ex won this time and you know what, sometimes that is okay!
James Arthur’s cover of this song is also fantastic.

“Problem”, Arianna Grande
This is a good song when you haven’t quite left that problematic guy, but in my opinion it feels even better to sing along to once you’ve finally said goodbye. Sometimes you know your man isn’t changing but it’s hard to cut ties: “I know your never gonna wake up, I gotta give up.” But you know what needs to happen: “I should be wiser and realise that I’ve got. One less problem without ya!” And once you finally have one less problem shake your sexy booty to this song, seriously; you deserve it, you wise human.

“Don’t”, Ed Sheeran
This is a perfect song for the casual relationship gone wrong, “I wasn’t looking for a promise or commitment, but it was never just fun and I thought you were different.” Even if you haven’t been cheated on “Don’t fuck with my love” is relevant to everyone, and it feels damn good to say.

“We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”, Taylor Swift
If someone knows how to write a song about a break-up it’s Taylor Swift. Sure, the lyrics are pretty simple but they are also pretty perfect if you ask me. This is the anthem of your post break up night out. Almost everyone has someone who they are “never, ever, ever getting back together” with, so everyone can scream the chorus on the dance floor.

I hope you found these songs as therapeutic as I did. Happy break-up recovery!

Can you break up with someone you were never with?

 Confusingguy and I texted yesterday morning, I told him about my travel plans and, typically, we ended up heavily flirting. On the drive home from uni my friend asked me if I had talked to him and after I explained she asked if I was going to his birthday party, my response: “What birthday party…?”. She handed me her phone to look at her Facebook and sure enough, months in advance, he has planned a “small” gathering at his place with 180 of his closest friends. Apparently I didn’t make the cut. 180 people and the chick you wanted oral off earlier that morning didn’t make it into that exclusive little circle? Of course we had an argument (over text: how pathetic) and he had plenty of excuses: You were going to receive a text message invite and there are plenty of other people such as old work colleagues and managers that aren’t on the Facebook event either; You don’t really know anyone going anyway, I didn’t know if you would come.

So now here I am spending my Saturday morning teary and annoyed, trying to either ignore his messages or think of responses that will help him understand what a fucking asshole he has been for so long. I can’t focus on the piles of uni work and overseas planning I have to do today and I’m eating chocolate and cashew nuts like they are going out of stock. I feel like I am going through a break-up. Three years, three dates, thousands of texts and a few phone calls. Personal information shared, and trust built but absolutely no physical interaction. Is this the modern day relationship? If it is the break-up part isn’t any easier.

He thinks I’m “caught up about a list and invites” and told me “Your reaction would be completely different had you never seen it in the first place but ended up getting an invite in the mail anyway”. To me that is a little bit like if Ross told Rachel that if she didn’t see the list she wouldn’t be so upset. Ross doesn’t say that (because even he probably knew it would be an idiotic thing to say), he does however tell Rachel she can make her own list to which Rachel replies, “Well, then, I guess that’s the difference between us. See I’d never make a list”. And I guess that was the difference between Confusingguy and I; I would never have left him off my list.

I think that’s exactly what I needed to do; I’ve deleted him off Facebook and all other social media. Maybe he really was going to send me a text and mail an invite, he clearly doesn’t see it as a big deal. But it felt pretty shitty to hear about his huge birthday celebrations indirectly and it’s certainly not the first time he has made me feel like shit. I am worth so, so much more than this and I think it’s finally time he realised that.